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By J.E. Braun, author of Paranoia

I’m a huge fan of television and film and have grown up seeing movies like The Devil’s Advocate and watching shows like Reaper. It seems, though, that this industry has misled me. I was always led to believe that when my time came to try to make it big, I’d receive a certain visit that indicated I was on my way.

See, if my life was a movie (which, honestly, I have occasionally thought might be the case, but apparently there was some other reason for that film crew in my bedroom), this would be the scene in which the devil shows up and offers me fame and success as an author - all in exchange for my soul.

Now, I’m not saying I’d take him up on it, mind you (unless he threw in a lifetime supply of Chick-fil-a, because seriously, we’re talkin’ Chick-fil-a). But even with all-you-can-eat crisp, yummy chicken, there are certain downsides to the whole “Selling your soul to the devil” thing:

First of all, there’s this stigma attached to being indebted to Satan. People can be SO judgmental.

Secondly, my wife is a Catholic school teacher and would either have to lie to a priest or tell him her husband has a business relationship with the Anti-Christ.

Thirdly, fire and brimstone. I’m not sure what brimstone is, but it sounds like it sucks.

Fourthly, eternity in hell. I spent two days in an asbestos class (ironically, I guess, since asbestos might help in hell) and was bored to tears. Two days! Eternity, from what I hear, is longer than that.

Fifthly, I think fifthly should be a more common word. It makes me chuckle.

Sixthly, back to the list, how in hell do you say Mephistopheles anyway? I don’t think, “Hey Meph…, Mephee.., Mifa…, Devil.” would go over well.

Seventhly, raising my children would be difficult. Take this scenario:

Me: Bella, stop hitting your brother!
Bella: Why should I? You sold your soul to the devil!
Caden: Ow! Ow!
Sharon: John, can you run to the store, we need more brimstone to heat up the Chik-fil-a.

So where is this guy, anyway? I mean, not being offered is like being the ugly girl that didn’t get asked to the prom: You sit at home knowing everybody else is going to be out getting hammered, snorting coke in alleys, and having their secret pregnancies come to term in dirty bathroom stalls, and you have to sit home and miss out. (NOTE: This is a highly idealized view of a “prom” as mine consisted of taking my ex-girlfriend I’d dumped a month earlier).

It all boils down to the fact that I’m just going to continue trying to market on my own. I have to keep working hard at writing the new book. But, I’m just wondering “Where the devil is the Devil?”
—-
Survivor’s descent into fear and hatred after the fateful events of that day. 10% ofProfit from sales of the book will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org)

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Contest ends May 9.

Posted on Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 at 12:35 pm under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed and leave a response, or trackback from your own site.